Friends are a great source of support.....Happy Friendship Day!

In honour of Friendship Day, I thought I would share with you a few of my favourite friendship quotes and what they mean to me.

'Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born'

This quote really resonated with me.  I feel really lucky to have met some great friends along my journey of life so far - school, university, work, random queues waiting for things, groups that I joined etc.  Each of my friends are all unique and bring different things to our friendship. I have tried new things, and things that I would probably never have done if it wasn't for (strong!) encouragement from them. As one of my clients said the other day, "my friends are all different and together they make a great support team!".

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I love this quote - you really can't beat a chat with a good friend when things are not going to plan! I know when I moved from Leeds where I had lived for a long time, to Wales where I knew no-one (apart from my husband) the thing I missed the most, was being able to pop round to my friends houses for a cuppa (or glass of wine) and a moan and much needed laugh! A chat on the phone was a pretty good second substitute though.  You can't underestimate the importance of support from friends - it is often seen as a big factor that can help people cope with stressful and difficult times in their lives.

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Having lived in a number of different places, and had friends move to different places, this is something I really believe. It doesn't matter how often you see or speak with friends, the good ones will always be there to hold your hands in hard times and celebrate with you in the good times. Distance doesn't have to be the end of good friendships.

I love it when great things happen for my friends, especially when I know how important it is for them. I love celebrating the milestones in friends lives, engagements, weddings, births, new jobs, new businesses, new homes etc. Friends can also be some of our greatest supporters - I know that my friends (and family) have been so important to keep me focussed on my dream of running my own life coaching business.

So, I would like to dedicate this blog to all my friends, you know who you are, and say thank you for sharing my highs and lows. You are all really important to me and make up a fantastic team!

If you can relate to any of these quotes, please share this blog and let your friends know they are appreciated.

What is motivation? Useful questions to kick start your motivation

William Miller is one of the most well known names in the field of ‘Motivation’, having founded motivational interviewing.  The approach is really useful for developing ways to improve motivation in all walks of life, and when I have trained people in the use of the techniques, they can always relate it back to their own experiences. Here are some useful pointers to kick start your motivation!

Motivation is a desire and drive to so something.  Key things that affect our motivation are:

• how we are thinking and feeling. If we are feeling confident and focussed we are much more likely to achieve our goals, than if we are listening to negative voices in our head and doubting ourselves.
• things that are happening around us.  If we are feeling happy in our environment, and spending time with people who are supportive of us again we are more likely to achieve our goals, than if we are feeling unsettled and surrounded by people who are a negative influence on us.
• whether we are feeling some conflict about the behaviour we are wanting to change (e.g. a diet).  The reasons to do something about the behaviour need to be greater than the reasons to not do anything about it (e.g. the pros need to outweigh the cons of a diet)

Here are some useful questions to ask yourself about your goal (e.g. to start a diet), to highlight where your blocks may be. Answer the questions on a scale of 1-10 (1 not at all – 10 very much)

1. How much do you want to ….. ?
2. How confident are you that you can ….. ?
3. How ready are you to ….. ?
4. How important is it to you that you …..?

The questions relate to 4 key ingredients needed to be truly motivated:

• Desire, you need to really want to do it. When this is low, ask yourself what difference will this make to my life if I achieve this? (question a)
• Ability, you need to feel confident that you can do it. When this is low, it may be that you need additional support from people / experts to empower you with the skills / knowledge that you can do it (question b)
• Reason, you need to have a reason to do it now, rather than leaving it until next year. When this is low, ask yourself what would life be like if in 6 months things were still the same?  (question c)
• Need, you need to be feeling that it is important for you to do. When this is low, ask yourself what needs to happen for this to score higher (question d)

For you to achieve your goals, the final and most important ingredient is to be committed. Which one best suits you?

• I will try to….
• I am going to in the next few weeks…..
• I am determined to…..I am going to start it now and this is how.

If you are not feeling committed to the process take a few minutes to think about how it will be when you have achieved your goal. Imagine you are there now, how it feels, what you are thinking and who is there with you.  Keep this in mind when you are thinking about your goal.

If you are still in the ‘I will try to..’ category, or scoring less than 5/10 on the questions in this blog you could benefit from some additional support.  Life coaching can get you from the ‘I will try to’ place to the ‘I am determined to’.

For more information please visit my website www.skylightsctc.co.uk or facebook page on www.facebook.com/SkylightsCTC or email me on sam@skylightsctc.co.uk.

The Pressure of Parenting: Three steps for more confident parenting decisions

The challenges of being a parent in the pressures of today’s world been highlighted by one of the UK’s leading family support charities, Home Start UK, in a recent YouGov survey of parents.

Their recent research reported that 73% of parents are concerned about being a ‘good parent’ and 37% felt pressure to be a ‘perfect parent’.

Life coaching can help parents and families feeling under pressure. 

In what can be a rollercoaster of emotions, experiences and expectations it is important to find the right solutions for you as a family unit, with the emphasis on you finding the solutions for you rather than being told what to do. To enable you to do this you need to feel empowered and confident in the decisions you are making (not always an easy task, when parents are often given conflicting messages by friends, family and professionals).

Three steps to enable confident decision making are to:

• make sure that you are clear on what a ‘perfect parent’, or ‘good parent’ or maybe a happy, healthy, family unit means to you (and your family, involving all members of the family if age appropriate). Create your own definition, based on the things that are important to you
• identify all the strengths you have as a family, both as individuals and a ‘team’
• identify your family values – the things that are important to you as a family and that make you ‘tick'

Two fun, crafty ways of doing this and involving children in the process are:

• a family tree with a difference – the trunk has the family values on it, and the branches/leaves can represent the strengths (one suggestion is to have a branch per family member and then the leaves for the strengths).
• a family shield, which depicts the strengths and your values

These can then be displayed somewhere for you all to see and use.

When you are faced with having to make decisions, use these to check your options against. How does the decision

• fit with our vision of a happy, healthy family
• use our strengths and
• fit with our values – or is it in conflict with them?

As Roy Disney put it: “its not hard to make decisions once you know what your values are”.

To find out more about coaching services I can provide contact me on sam@skylightsctc.co.uk.
www.skylightsctc.co.uk

Can stress be a good thing? Nine Top tips to manage stress.

Stress can affect everyone, at all stages and walks of life.  Whether the school pupil / student feeling the pressure and strain of exams and deciding what to do with the rest of their lives; the professional with numerous work deadlines; the parent not knowing which way to turn; the family with financial pressures and relationship problems; an endless list.

Stress isn’t all bad. In fact, a bit of stress or pressure can be a good thing. It can help focus the mind, get us in the ‘doing’ stage rather than the ‘maybe’ stage. If we are honest with ourselves, how many of us are able to finish a piece of work, or a project, without the looming pressure of a deadline? Without a bit of pressure, the majority of us would find ourselves meandering through life at a snails pace, spending hours on social media, watching TV, reading books, sleeping….However, if ‘a bit’ becomes ‘a lot’ it ceases to be a good thing.

So what causes this overwhelming state that can cause so much disruption to our lives? The answer is a lot of things can depending what else is happening for you at the time. Some common triggers often associated with causing stress are:

• Project / Coursework deadlines
• Exams
• Driving tests
• Interviews
• Presentations
• Relationships
• Problems at home
• Financial problems
• Moving house
• Family changes (new children, divorce, new relationships)

It affects people in different ways, and the list is almost endless – there is no one symptom that defines stress. Some examples include

• Migraines/headaches
• Triggers other health problems – weaker immune system, stomach problems, skin conditions, unexplained aches and pains
• Increased heart rate
• Blurred vision
• Dizziness
• loss of appetite
• mood changes
• Increased anxiety and irritability
• feeling tired all the time / difficulty waking up in the morning
• Difficulty getting to sleep
• Lack of concentration
• Forgetfulness
• Loss of interest in activities

So how can we manage our lives to keep stress in the right doses? Below are 9 tips to keep the stressors of life at bay;

• Sleep – allow time to unwind properly before trying to sleep, avoid stimulation before going to bed (caffeinated drinks), no work in your bed!
• Exercising will help you relax, unwind and keep you healthy.
• Healthy eating. In particular avoid too much caffeine and sugars.
• Get organised. Prioritise what needs doing and be clear when it needs to be done by.
• Say No. It is ok to say that you don’t have the time or space to do something at the moment.
• Support from friends and family. This can be in all shapes and sizes – talking about it, helping put your coping mechanisms in place, or simply having fun!
• Make time for you – doing things that are important to you.
• Find ways to relax. Reading, a warm bath, exercise/sport, seeing friends, watching films. Explore different relaxation techniques or complementary therapies.
• Laughter. Laughing releases ‘feel good’ hormones and helps us to relax.

If the pressures of life have become overwhelming and following the tips above have not alleviated the strain, coaching could be a positive way forward for you. A coach will work with you to identify the problems areas and together you will find the perfect solution for you. Coaching helps people regain control of their lives, get a sense of clarity and plan a positive way forward.

‘Every week, at the end of each session, I plan to make a small and manageable change. It is amazing how big these changes become and how much of a real and ongoing difference they make to me’ 

To find out more visit www.skylightsctc.co.uk or contact me sam@skylightsctc.co.uk

Exam stress getting too much? 6 easy steps towards your success

photo by Walt Stoneburner

The pressure is starting to be cranked up for anyone taking exams in May/June, whether it is GCSE’s, A-Levels, college or university.  Feelings of stress, anxiety and panic can become all too familiar for students.

For A-level students early March signals the arrival of results for the exams taken in January – this may be the time that reality comes crashing down; the remaining exams are just around the corner and the results are on track for what you need, these results have only just scraped through or the results are lower than expected.

The key thing to remember is that it all there for the taking– you just need to refocus and put key things in place to achieve your potential.  Here are some top tips to help with this:

What you are doing it all for?

Take a few minutes to think about what you are putting yourself through this for. What do you want to be doing in October? Where do you want to be? Why do you want to be doing that thing? How great is it going to feel when you are there?

Write it down, draw it or tell someone.

Think of your successes

Think of a time when you have achieved something you were pleased with (exam, coursework, piece of work). What did you do? What worked well? What can you learn from that time, to help you now?

What might send you off course?

Unfortunately the rest of life doesn’t stop happening when we have exams coming up, so take some time to think of the things that can send all your study plans into a spin.

What things happen that increase your stress / distract from your revision? What can you do to limit these distractions – try and think of realistic steps you can take.

e.g. getting distracted by a sport, set some boundaries that allows you to have some time doing this but as a reward for having focussed on your work.

Who can help you?

You really aren’t on your own with this, even though it can feel like it. Who do you have that can offer you support and how do you actually want them to help you? The support can be in all sorts of ways (e.g. helping with work, helping with other practical things that will take the pressure off, providing emotional support, providing an outlet to relax).

When asking people for support it is really important to have clear communication: be clear in what you expect from people (why, what, when and how).

What do you need to do now?

Now with each of the steps above in mind, what do you need to do between now and your exams?

Set yourself a series of small steps that will help you achieve your best in your exams. For each step:

• say what the aim (goal) is
• how you will do it
• who can help you
• when it needs to be done by and
• how you will know when you have done it.

Finally, it is also important to factor in some ‘you’ time to relax, recharge and feel refreshed (e.g. exercise, reading a book, watching a film, seeing friends, relaxing bath)

Coaching can provide a really useful space to work through any issues that are holding you back from achieving your full potential. A few sessions will help you reduce your stress and begin achieving your best: find out how to work smarter!  

“It gives you a different perspective. Allows you to take a step back and start to think rationally” LD, 16 years old

Thank you for reading my blog!

To find out more about coaching with me, you can visit my website www.skylightsctc.co.uk or email me on sam@skylightsctc.co.uk.